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  • kevinhaynes1

Confusion During the Great Quarantine: Dog Meme Cryptocurrency, OnlyFans, and the Human Comeback.

I find myself staring out the window these days during day, uh, yeah of Ontario's lockdown. Before you find me on social media and send me hurtful messages, I support the lockdowns, I also support the fact that I don't have to shave and have gotten in touch with my inner introvert during this routine global pandemic that's on the verge of collapsing nations (looks at India). For any of you who are extroverts and have had to suffer in literal silence during this pandemic, it's gotta be hard... but I kinda don't care. Truth be told I find myself more and more callous and short with people these days. I should change my attitude, or not, no one really cares from what I gather. Inevitably even during the end phase of this pandemic it's become politicized. Yawn. Masks, no masks. Vaccines, no vaccines. Same shit as usual; people are divided and I forgot to care about fragile feelings of those who care too much or too little. You see, i've been distracted. Over the last few months memes became a source of profit. It is way more interesting following along meme money than moderate some idiot fighting another idiot over a face mask. (For what it's worth just fucking wear a mask and stop ignoring medical science. Dumbass.) I am 100% invested in dogecoin and Gamestop, and 100% divested from pandemic fear and arguments with people who still call COVID-19 a hoax. Who cares about a mass death event when you can buy memes and get rich. I mean lets look at dogecoin: in the last 24 hours it has increased 54 points and year-to-date it has increased 14,558.13% If you invested 7,000$ a year ago you'd be a millionaire today. . . . Yeap your zoomer brother / sister / son / daughter / niece / nephew could have made fuck you money by following memes. The same thing, though to a lesser extent, happened with gamestop. It increased 750% over the last year. So dog coins and video game store memes have lifted investors out of financial mediocrity. What a wild time to be alive. We live in a world where everyone and their grandmother has become a recluse dependent on technology to do anything from going to church to learning physics, and then some. What does a society of internet recluses look like? Well, this.


When this pandemic ends, it will undoubtedly be a cause for celebration, but in a weird way I think a lot of people will get over it and come to miss the great lockdown quarantines. Life has become easier since bed became the home office and a macbook the only piece of equipment you need to communicate with the outside world. We have had students graduate university, family attend funerals and weddings, and people in general making a killing - all from a home office of some sort utilizing a computer of some kind. Life couldn't demand less from us right now, going back to the workplace will come as a surprise struggle for those of us who forgot what it's like to sit in traffic, eat crappy food and put up with larry the annoying coworker who will not shut up about his pet cat. It will also come as a surprise for those of us who clearly stopped taking the economy seriously when we started to invest in dogecoin and gamestop. I know how cryptocurrency works (okay somewhat know, I am pretty stupid) and it just does not make sense to me that a cryptocurrency based off a dog (shiba inu) meme from 2013 has been one of the fastest growing investments in the world during the last 12 months. Honestly it's a little odd, having been around since its inception, to see what was (and maybe still is?) a joke turn into a massive pile of money for those bold enough to venture into the crypto investing world. There are calls that it's a pump and dump and it will collapse. Will the music stop? I don't know, but I imagine that a post pandemic world with free travel and no lockdowns will hit a lot of people who aren't taking the world seriously unexpectedly hard, with the backlash being the end of the dogecoin. Or not, who knows? I don't know much of anything anymore - the world just doesn't make as much sense. It's a different place from the one I grew up and was educated in and a wild repository of memes which have crossed some boundary that I didn't even know existed: the meme valuation.


So here we sit: united in boredom. Despite my rambling and incessant social media addiction I still find time to reflect on current events and I choose to remain cautiously optimistic. COVID-19 proved that humanity is pretty awesome at mobilizing, just look at the global vaccine race, cool huh? This pandemic has provided people firsthand experience with working from home, something that could not only save an annoying commute and even more annoying coworkers, but also have an impact on the environment. We are not emitting as much. We have also found a way to commodify memes on the internet, which, if i'm being honest is kind of scary but also pretty neat. I suppose there's worse things to commodify; like homemade porn. This has also been the era of "Onlyfans" which will hopefully die out when people can fuck without worrying about the plague. Talk about a buzzkill. Unfortunately the world is divided right now over covid and politics and lockdowns, but this neanderthal doesn't see the reason why we should rush back to what was once "normal". I'm optimistic that we've seen the true power of internet connectivity and will use it in a good way. Cryptocurrencies and virtual meets are pretty cool, but not being able to go on a real date is definitely not.


This pandemic has brought out the best and worst in humanity. It's led to new ways to invest and fantastic ways to lose money. It's brought us closer together while we stay far apart. Nudes are now commodities and dating is pretty much done exclusively on an app. It's brought new medical technology and changed social etiquette. It's reminded humanity that we're still vulnerable, fragile creatures who just kinda don't die too quick. Confusing times for the average denizen of this digital world. I wonder if we'll experience trauma and flashbacks of this period of time when in the future we get a cold. I don't know how to feel anymore and constantly ask myself: what is the "right" way, or what sort of moral or factual stance am I not taking into account? So far I really just don't know. The optimist in me remains cautiously optimistic as a result, the pessimist remains confused and scared. All I know is I regret not buying dog meme crypto coins - it would have been nice to own a ferrari considering all the drive-throughs and curbside pickups we're doing. This will not be the last time I miss the boat to financial freedom, I just hope I'm smart enough to recognize financial meme groupthink before it explodes across the web, otherwise i'll be stuck working for a living. I'd much rather explain to my grandkids that I own fifteen houses because of a TikTok meme turned blockchain commodity. Unfortunately i'm probably too stupid and too cowardly to do such a thing. Guess i'll just live like the olden days: paycheque to paycheque (and try to buy people drinks to get them naked because it makes me feel like it's less of a transaction even though it isn't). Oh well. I don't want to give software engineers anymore money in an attempt to get laid so hopefully people will talk to strangers in bars again. Or not. Maybe I should buy stock in OnlyFans if it goes public, it'll probably be cheaper than a whiskey sour, afterall, the more ubiquitous it becomes the more likely I am to see naked pictures of my starbucks crush who I don't talk too (huge fucking sarcasm noises). Kinda creepy right? Yeah. Getting her inebriated enough to make poor decisions is a much better look(eyes rolling) we're fucking weird creatures. I'm not a rapist, so the only thing left for me to do is to go buy some dog meme crypto money, and use it to order a fucking dog off the internet, some drugs off the dark web and a subscription to my favourite porn star. Yeah, that about sums up the strange times we live in. Enjoy the ride though, it's pretty fucking wild, also; get fucking vaccinated you idiot.


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