• kevinhaynes1

Existential dread and the thought of a techno-fascist future on the campaign trail of '21

Updated: May 6, 2021

Strange things going on in my head right now. I feel like I have betrayed myself in some perverse animalistic way. I feel adrift, not in the ocean, but in my own head. What is real, what is false, or is all of this just made up to make people feel comfortable knowing that our personalized life experience might be a cataclysmic nightmare, or a righteous miracle filled with satisfaction, unearned happiness, and entitlement. Strange thoughts roam through my head this evening. I cannot stick to an emotion, yet all my thoughts are sticky. It is an odd sensation when one’s belief that their acts of righteousness get downplayed for the petty benefit of another.

No score is being kept in this wild world; games are just inventions of the way we wish things were. Meritocracies: where points counted and actions mattered. No matter how right or justified one is in their journey of self enhancement, it seems as if the only constant is the universe remains indifferent. A blessing and a curse. When you envision yourself as a truth-seeker and push for change, only to get discounted like an old beer can, it becomes increasingly hard to stray away from some form of extreme righteous-fascist beliefs. “Of course I deserve better than him, He was born rich and I was born into poverty. It has to be for a reason!”. Religions have been founded on less. I mean if it is all luck then who cares anyways? We are already good enough at creating our own demons to wrestle with, yet here we are in the "information age" with the truth never being so elusive. Our thoughts are being perverted and free thought is being destroyed. I feel it happening right now, this instant. I felt genuine hate for people over something I should not have, am I corrupted? Is this just part of the process? I cannot quite say anymore. The easy truth is, no one knows, and nothing matters. The smart profit off the ideologues and the wicked enslave the cynics.

There is no space in a world like this for me, someone caught half between. It is lonely, scary, and quite dark. I will go to bed tonight feeling different than I woke up, not because anything physically happened, but because I had a cerebral shift. I developed some sort of callous that makes me want to dismiss people. Its alarming, frightening, and liberating all at the same time. Who does not want to just declare everyone stupid and discount them? The problem is, when will someone accurately call me stupid and be correct? Maybe it has already happened, and I do not know.

Am I just chasing rabbits down holes and hurting myself to do it? Should I stop trying be an agent of morality? A life as a carpenter cannot be too bad, can it? But I have thrown my youth away. Love, ideology, career, injury, and drugs, truly a decade of misery and despair. I am approaching the age of not quite irrelevant but almost there. Friends are getting married, having kids, blossoming careers and here I sit in front of my computer at 02:47 on a Thursday night similar to a bunch of blistering fools thinking they could beat the establishment. If I am wrong about that then I am wrong about a lot, and I have wasted my youth chasing the hallucinations of the dreams of others. What a terrifying thought, not ghosts, but dead dreams? What an anaconda's coil on the soul.

No music tonight, only quiet reflection. Is this the era of anti-episteme or epistemological overdose? There is nothing to collectively celebrate, no waves of celebration, because we all live in the "real" until one day they we don't, then we switch realities, and some have to take some sort of prescribed narcotic. Sad vibes on this December night. I should stop that. Sleep, maybe that will clear everything up for me and I will understand the true nature of my own intentions. Then again, I will probably just repeat the same pattern of hope, patience, and despair.

These are desperate and hopeless times for us truth-seekers. The whole world lives in their own fiction, enabled by technology and the capitalism that drives people to be disconnected, though do you blame a person from hiding from the harsh truth? Why connect with someone in a cold reality when it is easier and fits your vision of the world to connect with someone who is plugged in? This world was not meant for people half in and half out like me, the ones who do not want to live through a phone but enjoy watching tv on it. I am at my computer nodding off now, it is late. I do not want to fall asleep though, for the fear that in the morning I will wake up and feel nothing at all. Easier to forget to fall asleep than wake up depressed.

Historic times this year. Pandemics, tragedies, and elections all coagulating into a fine mixture of non-real broth that poisons or emboldens the soul, depending on which flavour of zeitgeist you chose today. It can make the most morally bankrupt people feel righteous, or the most righteous people feel like pond-scum. If everyone is locked into their “castles”, have we have created a nation of kings or prisoners? I don't know, and neither do your local representatives. There will be a re-ordering, but it will take a while. I saw it tonight. People attempting to start benefiting selfishly off the sacrifice of nearly half a decade of my life, others I imagine are feeling the same. Imagine inventing a vaccine for a pandemic and being called an evil witch scientist. These competing realities are getting wild.

I wanted to yell and scream as they will never know the cost. I do, and live with it the cold icy grip of regret and the warm comfort of morality, what an odd sensation. Did what I do matter at all? Was it even real? I do not know anymore and that frightens me. I feel like my own mind wants to slip away but is stuck by some ethereal force. It is like I want to go crazy, but my brain won’t let me. It is forcing me to expand my consciousness. There is no euphoria or no happiness here. Only the lesson that no matter how large your personal sacrifice is, it will never really mean much at all in antiquity.

Seems like the lizards - our politicians - are onto something, in a world of non-truth it pays to have no spine. Sad story tonight, though, all too common. Shake the chains of oppression and gain the chains of reality. Is it easier to live as a slave under a benevolent slavedriver, or better to bare the weight of your own existential mass, an ever-changing weight that shifts endlessly?

I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel like I want to give up or give in but have no one to do it with. The fight after all is always paramount and the truth core to my being. Falling asleep at the computer now, time to stop. If I am lucky, I will feel a sense of direction so I can begin to define my moral compass. If not, then it will be day of wandering mindlessly looking for meaning, which may not even be real. Carl Sagan called it the demon haunted world, but I wonder if he meant our demon haunted minds. Difficult December nights can take a toll on any man. Rest easy. It will be different tomorrow. It always is. The mind is never static, and our thoughts are fluid. Once that goes away then we might as well call a quits, for all the mystery of what awaits us tomorrow will disappear. Existential dread has taken me. There's a reason why I always keep two bronze coins in my pocket for Charon, from what i've learned in this world you do not want to cross the river Styx alone. If you know your ancient history you'd understand the disappointment. We've been arguing about politics for thousands of years and even after studying it I am still fraught with extreme terror on the campaign trail of ’21.

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